Alien: Covenant Movie Review

Alien Covenant poster 2

Rating: 2/5

In space, or really in the movie theater I saw this in, no one can hear you scream, because there really aren’t any screams to be had throughout watching this movie, at least from me anyway, maybe more from the characters in it. My point is, Alien: Covenant isn’t really scary, among other problems. And after watching it and hearing about what’s being planned for the Alien franchise going forward, I can only ask this one question: seriously, Neill Blomkamp’s Alien 5 movie got cancelled for THIS? Read More

The Emoji Movie Movie Review

Emoji Movie poster

“An abomination beyond words” is more like it

Rating: -1/5

Just so you know, an animated Popeye movie got cancelled because of this thing. There was even a BIDDING WAR between studios over this thing, which of course Sony won, cause there are no words for how desperate they must be to make this “movie”. At least there was a Hotel Transylvania short attached to this, cause why not. I’ve never seen the Hotel Transylvania movies, but this short got me sorta interested in them I guess. And don’t worry, I was prepared for a pallet cleanser after seeing this thing by seeing Baby Driver afterwards. And yeah, I know there are things based on products like toys and whatnot, but the fact that there’s a movie based on something like fucking emojis is still baffling, because at least with stuff like Transformers, Legos, and video games, there’s story possibilities, creativity, characters to relate to, and just an good overall experience. How the FUCK can that be achieved by making a movie based on something as disposable and unrelatable as FUCKING EMOJIS? Read More

The Dark Tower Movie Review

The Dark Tower movie poster

Rating: 2/5

The studio that fucked up The Dark Tower movie fled across the desert, and the Stephen King/movie critic fan followed…

The Dark Tower? More like “The Shit Tower”.

I’m gonna be honest, while I am a big Stephen King fan, he’s my favorite writer, I haven’t exactly gotten into The Dark Tower series. Granted, I read a bunch of the comics and the first book, but still, I didn’t have a lot of baggage going into The Dark Tower movie. Still, I have a feeling that even if I did read every one of those books, I’d probably be more disappointed in this movie than I am now, because it’s a piece of shit movie on its own and a shitty adaptation. The trailers already gave me an idea of what kind of shitshow I was in for, but I tried to be optimistic, and look how that paid off lol. Read More

Transformers: The Last Knight Movie Review

Transformers Last Knight poster

 

Rating: 0/5

Well, I finally did it. I dreaded it for some time but I’ve done it. I’ve finally seen a movie that I rate a 0/5. Why is that? Because I don’t consider this piece of shit a movie at all. It’s just a “thing that exists”. This is something that is under the pretense of being a movie that it’s insulting to me. I should’ve known right from the beginning, though. Actually, I kinda did, but because I hate myself and I have morbid curiosity, I went and saw it. I paid money to see this “thing”. People all over the world paid money to see this “thing”. I should’ve asked for a refund, but I saw the whole thing through so there’d be no point in doing that. Nostalgia Critic predicted how this “thing” would be and he was right. Read More

The Mummy (2017) Movie Review

The Mummy 2017 poster

Rating: 2/5

Usually I try to avoid bad movies or just movies that I’ve heard about and think “yeah I’m not gonna go see that anytime soon, if at all”. When I went and saw movies like Fan4stic, Point Break 2015, 50 Shades of Grey, Bad Santa 2, and others, it’s mostly out of morbid curiosity, to see if they could be as bad as I think they are. Also they can be a good way to kill time, but then sometimes it ends up being time I could’ve spent doing anything else considering what wastes they were. Out of the bad movies I’ve seen this year, Transformers 5 was like that, but The Mummy, on the other hand, is probably that other kind of bad movie, the hilariously bad kind, and it might just be the most hilariously bad movie I’ve seen this year so far. It’s so hilariously bad that for Tom Cruise, I don’t think even the Church of Scientology can keep this UNDER WRAPS lol. Read More

My Top 10 Best Movies of 2016

Well, it’s that time again. Time for me to do a Top 10 Best Movies list, kinda late in the year again (yeah I know I need to be more timely with these things, sue me). Given how 2016 turned out, it’s just great that there were these amazing films to see that I’m going to talk about. And yes, while I haven’t reviewed all of them yet, this list is comprised of movies I’ve seen in 2016, and of course there will be some pairings like last time. Read More

My Top 5 Worst Movies of 2016

A lot of people are saying that 2016 was the worst year ever, that it was just a shit year but not THAT bad, or that it just came and went like any other. Honestly, I’m inclined to believe that they all have their points. A bit overblown at times, but fair nonetheless. There was death of a lot of great icons in various fields that were inspirational to many, political upheaval in a buncha different places, and in the case of what I’m writing here, a buncha shit movies. Thankfully, there weren’t that many movies I saw in 2016 that were truly terrible and I’m thankful I missed out on some of them from what I hear, like Nine Lives, Norm of the North, Collateral Beauty, and others, but there were still some I saw that were pretty bad in their own right.  Now bear in mind, this is just my opinion here. If you like these movies, that’s fine, but for me, the movies I have here on this list kinda range from “disappointingly average” to “pointless” to “basically shit and shouldn’t exist”. Some of these movies I have done reviews for, and some I haven’t yet, I will get to them at some point, but I want to get this out of the way so I can get to reviewing the 2017 movies I’ve seen and of course other 2016 movies I’ve seen but haven’t reviewed yet, as well as some other stuff. I also decided to extend the number from three to five for this list, because honestly, I don’t think “just three” could do it for me this time. Anyway, here we go:

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