With each year I do this, it seems I have to step it up each time. In 2015, I had three terrible movies. In 2016, it was five. In 2017, I did TEN. That’s twice more than I did last time. I almost thought of checking out more that I heard were bad or looked kinda bad, but then I stopped myself and realized “no, no, ten is enough”. Ten awful movies, that for me, range in quality from mildly annoying and boring to laughably bad to just unbearably shitty. Now, I haven’t reviewed all the movies on this list, and I may get to them at some point, but these are the movies I consider to be the worst of 2017. And if you like these movies, that’s fine, this is just my opinion and I’m glad we can have a difference of opinion on them. Anyway, here we go:
10. Batman and Harley Quinn
I like the DC Animated movies. Even though they have been declining in quality over the years, they still manage to turn out okay. This movie, however, definitely signals to me how low they can sink to. Despite having Kevin Conroy and Loren Lester returning to their DCAU roles of Batman and Nightwing, not to mention Bruce Timm doing the animation, the movie has barely an ounce of a plot and the other headlining character, Harley Quinn, is annoying as HELL. The actress voicing her in this, Melissa Rauch, also doesn’t do the character any favors, making me wonder why they didn’t pick someone with experience voicing her like Arleen Sorkin or Tara Strong. In the year that brought us The Lego Batman Movie, which showed how doing a light-hearted, satirical, funny take on Batman can be awesome when done right, this movie is its polar opposite, showing that such a take can also be done in almost the worst ways possible, almost dangerously reaching Joel Schumacher-levels, and even he would call this movie childish. Ironically, this had a less controversial sex scene than The Killing Joke, yet is somehow worse.
9. The Snowman
This movie was BORING. So boring I almost fell asleep and my friend had to keep me awake, yet if I stayed asleep I probably wouldn’t miss much. A great and talented cast, a renowned director, an interesting premise, and based on an acclaimed book, yet somehow it turned into a total snoozefest. Almost the entire time I had no idea what was going on and even after it was over I was still confused. And this movie tries to end on a sequel-baiting note? HA! Considering that the director has since come out and said that a portion of the script wasn’t even filmed, it’s clear that it is NEVER acceptable to have a film in this condition be released to theaters. I may not be a filmmaker, but I understand this stuff takes time and effort, and this movie clearly needed more of it. And no, the main protagonist being named “Harry Hole” did not make him awesome, it made him a laugh riot and more pathetic, on top of him being a cliche cop and all that, despite being portrayed by an excellent actor like Michael Fassbender. Also what was up with Val Kilmer in this movie? Does anyone care?
8. The Mummy (2017)
Despite what people may complain about cinematic universes these days, I actually like them, or at least the idea of them and how they can be done well. Marvel has proven successful with the MCU and others seem to follow suit, to various results. So why can’t Universal, who introduced one of the earliest cinematic universes with the Universal Monsters, be able to deliver on such a feat by reimagining said franchise with this movie, that was supposed to kick off the “Dark Universe”? I think they forgot how to and are just following trends in the laziest ways possible. It can’t decide whether it wants to be action-packed, scary, or both, and cramming in all the cinematic universe build-up in it doesn’t help either. Several writers and directors were attached to this and it feels like the movie just cobbled together all the first drafts and called it a day. Despite Tom Cruise being ok in the movie, this is probably one of the most ridiculous things he’s been involved with, next to Scientology, and apparently he took over almost every aspect of production for it. Russell Crowe did alright as the Nick Fury stand-in version of Dr. Jekyll and Sofia Boutella was great as the titular mummy, at least when the movie bothered to focus on them. With bad reviews, mediocre box office, and the guys in charge of the Dark Universe now leaving the seemingly doomed fledgeling franchise, it may be a while before we see Universal make anymore movies about monsters that go bump in the night. At least this movie had Cruise doing the Garzey’s Wing scream and that trailer with barely any sound in it for good laughs.
7. Alien: Covenant
In a year that brought out good horror movies with fresh ideas and scares and bad horror movies that are more unintentionally hilarious than scary, Alien: Covenant fits in the latter. While I heard Ridley Scott did great with his other 2017 release, All the Money in the World, he didn’t do himself, or the Alien franchise in general, any favors with this movie. Despite him being the guy who directed the groundbreaking first movie that started it all, Alien, it’s like he and the writers and producers just took the cliff notes from that and made it into this movie. Michael Fassbender steals the show and both Danny McBride and Katherine Waterston do amazing in their roles, the visuals are amazing, and there are some good ideas presented here, but not even they can save this movie from being an Alien movie that simply follows a check-list of what is to be expected in an Alien movie instead of offering anything new or even scary. This movie was so lazy, it even uses a still-shot photo for the dvd/blu ray cover instead of one of the numerous posters for it when it came out in theaters. At least its predecessor, Prometheus, tried to do something with its material. And with this movie being so abysmal, who knows what’s gonna happen with the franchise going forward. In this movie, no one can hear you scream, cause it ain’t scary.
6. The Dark Tower
Stephen King is my favorite writer. While I haven’t read much of The Dark Tower books, I understand that they’re basically his magnum opus. Several people tried to bring them to the big screen, small screen, and maybe both, so when this movie finally got made and came out, it wasn’t quite the smash hit Sony thought it would be that would launch a movie and TV franchise, and this is just one of their several failures this year. Trying to cram in eight novels worth of story and world-building, as well as making this movie a sequel to the books somehow, and making it 90 minutes long, certainly didn’t do it any favors either. And despite having a good cast that included Idris Elba as Roland Deschain and Matthew McConaughey as The Man in Black, even they couldn’t elevate this material any higher. In a year that brought excellent adaptations of King material like It: Chapter One, Gerald’s Game, 1922, and others, The Dark Tower stands ever vigilantly as the one King adaptation that was utterly shitty. Maybe someday there’ll be a new adaptation that’ll do the source material justice, but for right now, it’s about as lost as Roland in the desert, searching for the end goal of his quest.
Gerard Butler plays a scientist that invented weather-controlling machines and is trying to save the world from disaster. That sentence right there is all that’s needed to describe this movie is bad. I like Gerard Butler, he’s done some good stuff despite being overshadowed by garbage movies he’s been in, but this has got to be the culmination of it all. Add to it that Dean Devlin, the guy who infamously worked with Roland Emmerich on disaster movies like Independence Day and Godzilla 1998, made his directorial debut with this, and yet it seems like he hasn’t gotten out of that disaster movie mindset. After doing bad with test screenings, Warner Bros. delayed the release of the movie several times, got Jerry Bruckheimer involved, spent $15 million on reshoots, and yet it still turned out awful, even hilariously awful. Devlin may have tried to go big with this movie, but with it doing terrible, I think he’s gonna go home and rethink his priorities.
4. Resident Evil: The Final Chapter
Video game movies rarely turn out well. Despite the Resident Evil movies getting worse and worse with each entry, they somehow make money. Paul W.S. Anderson, who did alright with the first Mortal Kombat movie, managed to adapt one of the best video game franchises, with its fair share of ups and downs, into an abysmal film franchise that centered on one of the biggest Mary Sues out there, Alice, played by his wife Milla Jovovich. And when has a movie franchise with the subtitle “The Final Chapter” ever actually ended with that entry? None, that’s what. A dumb story, terrible acting, awful writing, and shitty filmmaking and editing, make this not only a bad video game movie, but also a terribly made movie as well. It isn’t higher on the list because there’s still three more left and this movie just made me laugh more than those. Both Paul and Milla says this is their final movie, and hopefully so with the announcement of a reboot involving James Wan as a producer, so maybe there can be a decent adaptation of this series. Just please keep Anderson away from it and any other video game adaptation from now on. Or maybe not have him do movies at all. Either way works.
3. Transformers: The Last Knight
Michael Bay’s Transformers movies set the bar for how bad a major blockbuster movie franchise such as this could get with each entry getting worse than the last. Sure, the first was ok, but it’s been a nosedive into shit territory with every entry since, with dumb and convoluted plots, more focus on the humans than the actual Transformers, ridiculous action, and a longer running time than necessary, among other problems. These movies are more commercials than actual movies at this point. If this movie had stuck with the ridiculous idea of Transformers helping King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, that would’ve been fine, but somehow it got more ridiculous than that, involving Optimus Prime being controlled by some Transformer sorceress, some device that involves Merlin’s descendant, and renowned acting legend Anthony Hopkins is in this for some reason spouting lines for the trailers. Bay says this is the last one he does, despite him being a producer on the Bumblebee movie, and there’s gonna be more of these goddamn movies coming out, so these things will keep coming out and probably never change. But it seems like with this movie not making quite as much money as previous entries and both critics and audiences finally agreeing that they’re tired of them, maybe there will be some change, but I highly doubt it. This movie is definitely nothing more than meets the eye, and it looks awful.
2. 50 Shades Darker
I kinda gave the first 50 Shades movie a pass, despite being the least worst movie of my 2015 worst movie list, because I found it hilariously bad. Well, this movie was worse than that. I didn’t even bother seeing it in theaters like the last one, just watched it on TV instead. My DVR still hates me for recording it on there. Just how the fuck did this movie happen? And I’m not just talking about the movie itself, but everything regarding 50 Shades in general. It’s based on Twilight fan fiction that somehow became a book that somehow became a movie. There are now even books about Christian Grey’s perspective in those stories, because he’s such a “fascinating” character (that was sarcasm, btw). The director of the first didn’t return for this since she regrets getting involved with the series. The relationship between the characters is dumb and there’s clearly no chemistry between the actors. The movie was written by the author’s husband and it clearly shows, cause there’s no plot at all, it’s just about Grey and Steele dating and shit going on around them, and every character, especially the main characters, despite most of them being portrayed by good actors, speak as if their lines were written by an alien studying human speech and behavior and this was his presentation to his fellow aliens. And there’s another one coming out this year that’ll hopefully, FINALLY, bring this shit to an end, unless they decide to make it a stupid two-parter like everything else is these days, which I hope doesn’t happen. Also despite it being an “erotic romance” movie supposedly filled with kinky shenanigans and raunchy sex (and believe me, there’s plenty of that, it’s just stupid in this movie), it isn’t erotic in the slightest. Other erotic movies like Caligula and Showgirls and others, even Skinemax and internet porn, are more erotic than this, and that’s coming from me, a guy who’s never had sex. “Darker” is apt word for the title of this movie, since it’s shittier than the first in every way possible.
1. The Emoji Movie
Yeah, it’s no secret that this was gonna be #1 on the list. Just where to begin with this? Should I mention how it rips off every animated movie ever made since Toy Story? The obnoxious product placement that would make even Michael Bay say it’s stupid and makes it more advertisement than actual movie (at least more so than the Transformers movies are like that)? The forced social commentary through Jailbreak, who is a ripoff of Wildstyle from The Lego Movie? How it got Sir Patrick Stewart to play a literal piece of shit with the Poo emoji character? That Sony shut down production of several animated movies in order to make this? The stupid ad that tried to parody The Handmaid’s Tale? How it tried to pander to kids while also insulting their intelligence? How it’s the worst movie I’ve ever seen in my life and it’s so bad, I consider it to be “the anti-movie”? All that and more, just what more can I say than what’s already been said about it? It’s beyond stupid and awful. Calling it trash would be too high praise. This is a culmination of shit that Sony’s been doing for years, finally blowing up in their face, with everyone hating it and flopping at the box office. There may have been some good movies they’ve done here and there in 2017, made by people that actually cared and knew what they were doing, it’s just the bad movies of 2017 that they did get more of the spotlight, unfortunately. And I’m getting sick of people saying that these types of movies “are for kids” and all that, because it’s that kind of attitude that allows for stuff like this to exist, insult their intelligence, and having a lack of respect for them. I hope that Sony never does something like this again, but with that Peter Rabbit movie they’re doing and the shitty trailers for it, that may not happen for a while. It’s the worst movie of 2017. Nuff said.
2017 was a monster of a year, maybe more so than 2016, and these movies certainly didn’t help. It wasn’t exactly a great year for me personally either and that may have affected my writing on this blog as a result. So far, 2018 is having its fair share of problems and it’s already January, but I hope to press on and do the best that I can. Anyway, what are your thoughts on this list? Do you agree or disagree? What are your worst 2017 movies? Let me know in the comments. Thanks for reading! 🙂