Resident Evil: The Final Chapter Movie Review

Resident Evil Final Chapter poster

Rating: 1/5

When has a movie series ever ACTUALLY ended with an installment that had “Final Chapter” or something like it as the subtitle? Yeah, I think the Elm Street movies, Friday the 13th movies, and others are going to have a couple words with the Resident Evil movies on this subject. Paul W.S. Anderson may not be Uwe Boll, but he certainly doesn’t help in making movies based on video games something that’s worth appealing. There was a time that he did do this with the first Mortal Kombat movie, which I still think is the best video game movie ever made so far (by comparison anyway), but somewhere along the way he just ended up making movies that got worse and worse. And he plans to tackle Monster World next into making those games into movies? No thanks, keep him AWAY from that. It’s also ironic that this movie, probably the worst of the RE movies, comes out the same year as Resident Evil 7: Biohazard, and while I haven’t played that one yet, I’ve heard it’s brought the series back to its survival horror roots and did well as a result. Shame that this movie couldn’t rise up higher than the crap that came before it, only being lower. Read More

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The Snowman Movie Review

The Snowman poster

What clues? The Hell is this poster talking about? This movie didn’t provide ANY clues, based on how it was poorly executed with shitty editing

Rating: 2/5

While I originally intended to review Blade Runner 2049 (which I have seen three times and hopefully more, I will review it, and for right now all I’m gonna say about it is that it’s AMAZING), I realized that might take more time as I think it’s a pretty intense and intricate film for me to talk about, more so than other things that I have reviewed so far. So in the meantime, how about a different mystery movie instead? And by different, I mean shitty, because MY GOD how the Hell did this movie get made the way it did? Seriously, this movie is so BORING, the Jack Frost movies are more interesting and scary, and yes I do mean both the Michael Keaton movie and the trashy horror movies. Read More

Alien: Covenant Movie Review

Alien Covenant poster 2

Rating: 2/5

In space, or really in the movie theater I saw this in, no one can hear you scream, because there really aren’t any screams to be had throughout watching this movie, at least from me anyway, maybe more from the characters in it. My point is, Alien: Covenant isn’t really scary, among other problems. And after watching it and hearing about what’s being planned for the Alien franchise going forward, I can only ask this one question: seriously, Neill Blomkamp’s Alien 5 movie got cancelled for THIS? Read More

The Emoji Movie Movie Review

Emoji Movie poster

“An abomination beyond words” is more like it

Rating: -1/5

Just so you know, an animated Popeye movie got cancelled because of this thing. There was even a BIDDING WAR between studios over this thing, which of course Sony won, cause there are no words for how desperate they must be to make this “movie”. At least there was a Hotel Transylvania short attached to this, cause why not. I’ve never seen the Hotel Transylvania movies, but this short got me sorta interested in them I guess. And don’t worry, I was prepared for a pallet cleanser after seeing this thing by seeing Baby Driver afterwards. And yeah, I know there are things based on products like toys and whatnot, but the fact that there’s a movie based on something like fucking emojis is still baffling, because at least with stuff like Transformers, Legos, and video games, there’s story possibilities, creativity, characters to relate to, and just an good overall experience. How the FUCK can that be achieved by making a movie based on something as disposable and unrelatable as FUCKING EMOJIS? Read More

The Dark Tower Movie Review

The Dark Tower movie poster

Rating: 2/5

The studio that fucked up The Dark Tower movie fled across the desert, and the Stephen King/movie critic fan followed…

The Dark Tower? More like “The Shit Tower”.

I’m gonna be honest, while I am a big Stephen King fan, he’s my favorite writer, I haven’t exactly gotten into The Dark Tower series. Granted, I read a bunch of the comics and the first book, but still, I didn’t have a lot of baggage going into The Dark Tower movie. Still, I have a feeling that even if I did read every one of those books, I’d probably be more disappointed in this movie than I am now, because it’s a piece of shit movie on its own and a shitty adaptation. The trailers already gave me an idea of what kind of shitshow I was in for, but I tried to be optimistic, and look how that paid off lol. Read More

Transformers: The Last Knight Movie Review

Transformers Last Knight poster

 

Rating: 0/5

Well, I finally did it. I dreaded it for some time but I’ve done it. I’ve finally seen a movie that I rate a 0/5. Why is that? Because I don’t consider this piece of shit a movie at all. It’s just a “thing that exists”. This is something that is under the pretense of being a movie that it’s insulting to me. I should’ve known right from the beginning, though. Actually, I kinda did, but because I hate myself and I have morbid curiosity, I went and saw it. I paid money to see this “thing”. People all over the world paid money to see this “thing”. I should’ve asked for a refund, but I saw the whole thing through so there’d be no point in doing that. Nostalgia Critic predicted how this “thing” would be and he was right. Read More