Alien: Covenant Movie Review

Alien Covenant poster 2

Rating: 2/5

In space, or really in the movie theater I saw this in, no one can hear you scream, because there really aren’t any screams to be had throughout watching this movie, at least from me anyway, maybe more from the characters in it. My point is, Alien: Covenant isn’t really scary, among other problems. And after watching it and hearing about what’s being planned for the Alien franchise going forward, I can only ask this one question: seriously, Neill Blomkamp’s Alien 5 movie got cancelled for THIS? Read More

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The Emoji Movie Movie Review

Emoji Movie poster

“An abomination beyond words” is more like it

Rating: -1/5

Just so you know, an animated Popeye movie got cancelled because of this thing. There was even a BIDDING WAR between studios over this thing, which of course Sony won, cause there are no words for how desperate they must be to make this “movie”. At least there was a Hotel Transylvania short attached to this, cause why not. I’ve never seen the Hotel Transylvania movies, but this short got me sorta interested in them I guess. And don’t worry, I was prepared for a pallet cleanser after seeing this thing by seeing Baby Driver afterwards. And yeah, I know there are things based on products like toys and whatnot, but the fact that there’s a movie based on something like fucking emojis is still baffling, because at least with stuff like Transformers, Legos, and video games, there’s story possibilities, creativity, characters to relate to, and just an good overall experience. How the FUCK can that be achieved by making a movie based on something as disposable and unrelatable as FUCKING EMOJIS? Read More

The Dark Tower Movie Review

The Dark Tower movie poster

Rating: 2/5

The studio that fucked up The Dark Tower movie fled across the desert, and the Stephen King/movie critic fan followed…

The Dark Tower? More like “The Shit Tower”.

I’m gonna be honest, while I am a big Stephen King fan, he’s my favorite writer, I haven’t exactly gotten into The Dark Tower series. Granted, I read a bunch of the comics and the first book, but still, I didn’t have a lot of baggage going into The Dark Tower movie. Still, I have a feeling that even if I did read every one of those books, I’d probably be more disappointed in this movie than I am now, because it’s a piece of shit movie on its own and a shitty adaptation. The trailers already gave me an idea of what kind of shitshow I was in for, but I tried to be optimistic, and look how that paid off lol. Read More

Transformers: The Last Knight Movie Review

Transformers Last Knight poster

 

Rating: 0/5

Well, I finally did it. I dreaded it for some time but I’ve done it. I’ve finally seen a movie that I rate a 0/5. Why is that? Because I don’t consider this piece of shit a movie at all. It’s just a “thing that exists”. This is something that is under the pretense of being a movie that it’s insulting to me. I should’ve known right from the beginning, though. Actually, I kinda did, but because I hate myself and I have morbid curiosity, I went and saw it. I paid money to see this “thing”. People all over the world paid money to see this “thing”. I should’ve asked for a refund, but I saw the whole thing through so there’d be no point in doing that. Nostalgia Critic predicted how this “thing” would be and he was right. Read More

The Mummy (2017) Movie Review

The Mummy 2017 poster

Rating: 2/5

Usually I try to avoid bad movies or just movies that I’ve heard about and think “yeah I’m not gonna go see that anytime soon, if at all”. When I went and saw movies like Fan4stic, Point Break 2015, 50 Shades of Grey, Bad Santa 2, and others, it’s mostly out of morbid curiosity, to see if they could be as bad as I think they are. Also they can be a good way to kill time, but then sometimes it ends up being time I could’ve spent doing anything else considering what wastes they were. Out of the bad movies I’ve seen this year, Transformers 5 was like that, but The Mummy, on the other hand, is probably that other kind of bad movie, the hilariously bad kind, and it might just be the most hilariously bad movie I’ve seen this year so far. It’s so hilariously bad that for Tom Cruise, I don’t think even the Church of Scientology can keep this UNDER WRAPS lol. Read More

Infinity Train TV Review

 

 

infinity-train-poster

Rating: 5/5

Apparently CN is trying to get new shows off the ground, one of which has really piqued my interest, that being Infinity Train. So far only the pilot has been released, but ever since I watched it on YouTube it’s been stuck in my head and I had to talk about it here. From what I understand the show is about a girl named Tulip (voiced by Ashley Johnson, the voice of Ellie from The Last of Us and Terra from Teen Titans, and currently stars on Blindspot), and her robot friend One-One who splits into two robots, Glad-One (voiced by Jeremy Crutchley who sounds like John Oliver) and Sad-One (voiced by Owen Dennis, the creator of the show, who sounds like Maurice LaMarche), navigating through a mysterious train that is seemingly limitless and each car housing an internal dimension. It’s very interesting in regards to its premise, simple yet dynamic animation, voice acting, characters, humor, and the possibilities it presents through its surrealism. It kinda reminds me of some the recent cartoons both CN and Disney have done, in a way. Read More