Well, I finally did it. I dreaded it for some time but I’ve done it. I’ve finally seen a movie that I rate a 0/5. Why is that? Because I don’t consider this piece of shit a movie at all. It’s just a “thing that exists”. This is something that is under the pretense of being a movie that it’s insulting to me. I should’ve known right from the beginning, though. Actually, I kinda did, but because I hate myself and I have morbid curiosity, I went and saw it. I paid money to see this “thing”. People all over the world paid money to see this “thing”. I should’ve asked for a refund, but I saw the whole thing through so there’d be no point in doing that. Nostalgia Critic predicted how this “thing” would be and he was right.
This “thing” is so bad that I almost regret “defending” Michael Bay in my review of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows, because I thought that maybe, just fucking MAYBE, he was actually trying to change the way he does his movies, that maybe he’d actually take some of that criticism into account and try to make something decent. I got no problem with “popcorn entertainment”, just having some fun while watching a movie and not thinking too much about it, but I can’t even enjoy this “thing” on that level, because it’s FUCKING BORING. Yes, the Transformers are made to sell toys, I get that, but even on that kind of level, there’s gotta be at least some fucking effort put into it to make it interesting, compelling, or at least somewhat entertaining? Guess what, past renditions of the Transformers franchise did do that, from the original show to the comics to Beast Wars and others, all of them having varying degrees of success but each of them popular in their own right. Why is it that the live-action Transformers movies can’t do that too? The first movie was at least a good blockbuster-type movie in its own right, with more of an emphasis on action-packed sci-fi, but then the sequels came and they just got worse and worse, somehow making more money, and with this being Bay’s “last” installment, it comes off more as a giant middle finger to the audience.
Now let’s get into the “plot” of this “thing” – Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! There is no plot! It’s just a random series of events that thinks it’s under the pretense of having one. Despite that Bay is working with different writers, it’s like he only took the first draft of whatever script they wrote and used that to make the movie. I’ll admit, the opening scenes are interesting, the Transformers fighting in medieval times with King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table. Heck, as ridiculous as that sounds, if the whole movie had been about that, I would’ve actually liked it to some extent. But no, it’s just a fucking prologue, complete with Stanley Tucci drunk off his ass (and I sympathize since I wish I was drunk when I watched this), playing Merlin (no really), trying to get a Transformer to help him out with the battle going on, and just from that conversation alone, with all the jump cuts in it (seriously why does there have to be jump cuts for this? this isn’t a fucking amateur YouTube video) and the stupid dialogue it’s a part of, not to mention how disinterested Tucci himself is in it, that it’s pretty much a given what kind of shitshow it’ll be from then on. Add to it the title of the movie is just slapped on with no cool “transforming” like past movies and you got yourself one gigantic steaming pile of crap.
Skip to modern-day and it’s the same bullshit that’s gone on in every other one of these things. Military and shadowy government subplots, overly saturated cinematography, way too much focus on the humans despite this being call TRANSFORMERS, some product placement, explosions, exposition, finding some mysterious object that’ll do something or whatever, talented people wasting their goddamn time being in this, some female character that looks hot just for the sake of it, and just everything else that makes this as nonsensical as previous installments. That’s it. That’s all there is. Yet I kinda take back what I said about Bay not taking into account some of the criticism he’s gotten, because some of the elements I mentioned for which he gets criticized regarding these movies are kinda downplayed here. Problem is, it’s like with this movie, he’s saying “oh you don’t like that stuff? Well fine I won’t put em in, but don’t expect any effort from me to make it good if I can’t have what I want in it”, like a spoiled child.
Nothing makes sense in this movie. Who is this Quintessa chick? Why is still hard to make out what any of the Transformers look like aside from the “important” ones? Why is the Earth suddenly Unicron now (which is ripped off the awesome Transformers: Prime show, btw, so fuck you, people who made this movie)? Why is some random British woman suddenly Merlin’s descendant? Who are all these new Transformer characters that barely get any kind of development put into them? Why do the humans negotiate with Megatron in a desert to release his fellow Decepticons? Why is there a montage of his “crew”? Why is the government still hunting Autobots? Why is Chicago still a wasteland and not being rebuilt? It’s probably because they’re wasting money hunting Transformers, duh. Why is John Turturro in this? Why is Anthony Hopkins in this? Why is Steve Buscemi voicing a Transformer in this? I know he’s worked with Bay before, but isn’t he beyond this dribble now and is he just in it cause he lost a bet with Bay or something? Why is Mark Wahlberg a “legend” in this thing and the titular “Last Knight” and not Optimus Prime like the marketing made us think he was? What’s with the focus on Tony Hale as some know-it-all nerd? Why is it that Optimus Prime getting a red smear on the side of his face and purple eyes make him “Nemesis Prime” (fyi, Nemesis Prime is actually a gray-and-black version of Optimus, since he’s obviously an evil version)? What’s with the teenage girl getting focused on for a bit, not seen for a while, and then suddenly she’s important again? It took TEN FUCKING YEARS for Bumblebee to finally TALK? Are you fucking kidding me? And then, as if this movie wasn’t enough of a final “fuck you” from Bay as he possibly could make, he puts in a post-credits scene, ya know kinda like how Marvel does and others since, just to tease at the next installment. And to that I say “just fuck off, will ya?”
I don’t really know what more I can say about this “thing”. It makes Fan4stic look good by comparison. Ugh, can’t believe I just said that. And ya know what? I’m not the only one who thinks that this is a piece of trash and tired of these things. Right now it’s the lowest-rated of the series on Rotten Tomatoes, with a 15% approval rating (not that I care too much about that, but still I thought it’d be worth mentioning), and it made $520 million on a budget of $217 million (where did all the money go in this “thing”?), and while that may be deemed “successful” in terms of box office numbers, it’s the lowest-grossing installment of this stupid movie series. It proves that people, even fans of this series, are getting tired of it. We’re all tired of it. There are other movies similar to this, at least in scale and scope, that have much better effort put into them. The time for movies like what Bay does with this one are dead. They are no longer “more than meets the eye”, this “thing” doesn’t have the “touch” or the “power”. Maybe the next one, which thankfully won’t have Bay involved, could be better, but until then, I”m rolling out of this junkyard.