Point Break 2015 remake Movie Review

Shitty Point Break remake poster

You’ll never find a better BREAKING POINT than by seeing a POINTLESS remake of POINT BREAK

Rating: 1/5

After doing some editorials on the POINTLESSNESS of certain remakes, how about a nice review of the POINT BREAK remake? And by “nice”, I mean I’m gonna eviscerate it regardless of how much it screams for mercy and whether I reach its BREAKING POINT or not, because this movie sucks, and it’s POINTLESS. I’m not giving it a BREAK. Yeah I know these POINT BREAK jokes are dumb, sue me.

So, here’s how I think the idea for the Point Break remake went down. A couple of movie execs smoke some weed, snort coke, shoot up heroin, got brain damage after suffering head injuries from sports, or something else entirely, and the head of the group is similar to the rich douchenozzle in the remake that funds Bodhi and his friends for their shenanigans, and he suggests remaking Point Break because remakes are ALL THE RAGE and TOTALLY ORIGINAL, despite that a remake is something that is redoing an original work and has as many chances to succeed as well as fail, like anything else. The other execs are either too high or too stupid to care, so they give him $105 million (no joke, that’s the movie’s budget), and like Adam Sandler, he uses that money to take him and his friends on vacation to various places and film themselves doing stunts that Jackass would call “showing off” (sorry if that was taken as making fun of Jackass, which I’m not, I’d actually rather watch Jackass instead of this, at least I’d get a laugh out of it lol). Sounds silly, but it makes sense to me why this happened at all.

Johnny Utah Point Break remake

It’s a clone of Chris Hemsworth with derp face! Run away! Oh wait, sorry false alarm it’s just Luke Bracey playing Johnny Utah with a Chris Hemsworth impression and derp face. I couldn’t find the right derp face image that I saw in the movie, but trust me you’ll see it and laugh like I did lol.

There’s a bunch of other better movies I should finish reviewing, including Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, which I saw for the second time immediately after seeing this pile of surf and turf shit to remind me what a good movie is anymore. But honestly, I just had to do this. Do I think of myself as some higher authority on movies or whatever? No, but I do think that others can agree with me that remaking something from the friggin 90s is stupid, and that’s no more obvious than in the Point Break remake. No one asked for this, no one thought it was going to be any good, and yet it still got made, with a budge of $105 MILLION no less, as if ANY of that money was gonna be earned back at the box office, which clearly from what I heard, it HASN’T. Plus for some reason it got released on Christmas, as if the filmmakers were either smart or dumb in not releasing it over the summer or late fall like other action films similar to it, or them saying “don’t want to give your naughty kids coal for Xmas? then take them to see our movie as punishment”. Makes sense there were kids in the theater throwing popcorn around while I was watching it, since it was FRIGGIN PG-13 instead of RATED R like the original was. There had been rumors of a sequel to the original going on for a while, but apparently that’s false in light of this remake. Fun fact as well, one of the producers/writers of the movie, Kurt Wimmer, also wrote/produced the Total Recall 2012 remake, so it’s clear this movie was a crapshoot from the get-go anyway. Even Gerard Butler was rumored to play Bodhi but then dropped out and probably said “I’m good” instead of “fuck no, I ain’t doing that”. And if you want a good rehash of Point Break, just watch The Fast and the Furious, difference is it has cars instead of surfing. Also Keanu Reeves and others who were in this movie are still alive, apart from Patrick Swayze (may he rest in peace), and still do good work after this movie to this day. Heck, John Wick is one of my  recently most favorite movies of all time, showing he’s still got it, and I can’t wait for the sequel. Plus I should watch it again anyway since it’s way more awesome than this remake garbage.

Shitty Point Break remake pic 5

No, Edgar Ramirez! You were in Joy! That was a good movie! It’s not too late! Lol

 

I love the original Point Break. It’s even one of those movies that I have a good time watching with my mom as well. Basically it’s about a rookie FBI agent going undercover to catch a group of bank robbers calling themselves “The Ex-Presidents”, who wear rubber masks of former presidents, that turn out to be surfers and people he’s become friends with, providing conflict as to whether he should apprehend them or not. The action was great and fitting for its time, that being the early 90s and all, the acting superb from the performances by everyone in it, with Patrick Swayze (may he rest in peace, though he’s probably rolling in his grave over this remake and possibly worse than the Red Dawn remake, but let’s wait if that Road House remake still happens, which hopefully it won’t), Keanu Reeves, Lori Petty, Gary Busey (yes, even him), James LeGros (I think he had a cameo in the remake, unfortunately), John C. McGinley, and even Tom Sizemore’s cameo and everyone else, highlighting some of their best work, further brought director Kathryn Bigelow to the mainstream at the time before going on to direct more high-profile stuff like The Hurt Locker and Zero Dark Thirty, both of which I should watch especially after seeing this crap, and win an Oscar for directing in 2009, it was produced by JAMES CAMERON (ya know, the director of Aliens, Terminator 1-2, Titanic, Avatar, and Bigelow’s husband at the time, btw), and is iconic to the POINT in which it has been parodied and homaged to this day (notable example being Hot Fuzz) and it got a big cult following. There’s even some interactive play version of the movie and it’s still running to this day in several theaters. I even like to think of it as something that’s close to “surf noir”, in a way. So again, with that in mind, those drugged-up execs thought it’d be a good idea to remake this. Ugh.

First off, I will point out this movie does have some good things in it, shockingly. The cinematography is pretty well-done, given that this movie was also directed by Ericson Core, who also did the cinematography for The Fast and the Furious, as well as this movie, ironically. Sequences like the underwater scene between Utah and Samsara (the equivalent of Tyler in the remake, unfortunately), the aerial flightsuit sequence, and a couple others showcase this. The locations are beautiful, but like I said earlier it just feels like something ripped out of Adam Sandler’s book in that the people making this movie are using it as a way to go on vacation. And even some of the actors do okay, mainly just Edgar Ramirez (who did a wonderful performance in Joy, which sadly came out the same day as this, at least in the states anyway), Ray Winstone, and Delroy Lindo, whose performance probably represents the audience’s opinion of the remake being put on-screen, so I guess there’s some self-awareness to this movie’s pretentious bullshit. However, the writing is still terrible and cliched, so it just looks like they’re trying to make the best out of what they can do with it. Maybe if this movie didn’t have the Point Break name, idea, characters, and other stuff, it would’ve been a somewhat okay action flick, but instead it’s not. Also, since it’s PG-13 instead of rated R, it really feels like they just cut off the balls of the original in more ways than one.

Shitty Point Break remake pic

Right off the bat this movie is just downhill from the start, which is funny considering all the hills the movie features. It starts with Johnny Utah (played by Luke Bracey doing his best Chris or Liam Hemsworth impression; also “Utah” isn’t his last name and he isn’t even an ex-football player, he has blonde hair instead of black like in the original, plus Bodhi has black hair instead of blonde; clearly the people who made this movie DEFINITELY saw the original; and Utah has a lot of tattoos for some reason other than he’s just EXTREME or something) doing motocross on some dangerous hills for YouTube hits and his friend loses his life over it (who’s played by Max Thieriot, probably just anxious to get back to Bates Motel and out of this garbage), despite that Utah could’ve grabbed his hands instead of the bike’s handlebars, so way to go on priorities there. Fast forward to seven years later, Utah is in the FBI and still trying his best at a Chris or Liam Hemsworth impression instead of Keanu Reeves, not even a Keanu-like “whoa”. He starts to investigate a group of criminals who steal from the rich and give to the poor, kinda like Robin Hood, only they give middle fingers to the security cameras as some douchebag way of saying “fuck you, society”. Then the movie starts to get its head way up its own ass by shoving in some pretentious, hipster, pseudo-philosophical bullshit with the criminals being extreme athletes that are trying to complete some “trials” or whatever, called the Osaki 8, which was formed by some hipster eco-guy, that they’re all vaguely connected, instead of just simply being bank robbers like in the original.

Shitty Point Break remake poster 2

Apparently the crime of remaking good movies, even 90s movies, has no limit either.

And that’s when I should’ve stopped caring at that point because the movie gets worse and worse and worse. Not to mention BORING. The characters are just cut-out cliches who say cliche lines and barely bond with each other. The story is pretentious, up its own ass, and done like some uppity weed-smoking hipster’s half-assed philosophy class project in their freshman year of college. The action is dull and boring and I probably could’ve gotten a nice nap out of it and wouldn’t miss a thing. It not only forcibly shoves in iconic moments from the original, like Utah shooting his gun in the air instead of Bodhi, but I think it even rips off other more better movies than this like Fight Club by featuring an ACTUAL FIGHT CLUB and some stupid fight between Utah and Bodhi as part of Utah’s “initiation” or something. For a while it even seemed like this movie forgot it was supposed to be an action film about an FBI agent stopping criminals and became more of a sports film showcasing douchebags going to exotic locations to see who can get the worst head injury doing stupid stunts, and THEN returning to being a half-assed action film that some hack writer thought of while high on whatever they’re smoking. It offers nothing new to action, crime, thriller, sports drama, or even anything remotely related to what the original film was like or even anything related to something that’s a resemblance of good cinema.

Shitty Point Break remake pic 3

I’d like to imagine this is how the idiots who made this remake felt when they thought remaking Point Break was a “good idea”.

It just goes to show how much better, more engaging, and simpler the original Point Break was. Johnny Utah infiltrating the surfer group was interesting and drove the plot because he was not only after the bad guys, but also bonding with them, discovering a side of himself he hadn’t felt in a while since his injury, and feeling conflicted in bringing them in, despite what they’re doing is wrong, and he had both friends AND enemies on BOTH sides of the conflict he was in, with the remake having him be some random dude who gets together with other random dudes and suddenly remembers “oh yeah I’m supposed to arrest them”.  The romance between Tyler and Utah is more compelling because they started off on the wrong foot, bonded through their master-and-apprentice relationship with her teaching him how to surf, and then falling in love despite everything going on, rather than in the remake portraying Utah and Samsara “bonding” after a few conversations, a swim in which he got to see her in a sexy swimsuit, have sex in a mansion on a mountain, and then accidentally kill her, getting him to have “derp face” and leaving the audience wondering if he knows where he’s at. The surfers were just a bunch of guys, living in AMERICA, wearing president masks that robbed banks, nothing more, not some hipsters pursuing some dead hipster’s bullshit idea of some pseudo-philosophy crap and going on vacation around the world, committing crimes along the way. Bodhi was a charismatic guy who preached about being “against the system”, but was really a manipulative asshole who used people to his advantage and just cared about the rush of it all while also imposing his own style of order and being hypocritical, kinda like Tyler Durden from Fight Club before Fight Club even existed (not to mention Bodhi was a real asshole and not an imaginary asshole who was a part of the protagonist’s fragile psyche, or weirdly enough a demon or something if what I hear about the Fight Club 2 comic is true, like Durden), who didn’t have to be from another country just to simply make him more “exotic” like the remake did. While I’m not sure whether to call the original’s action sequences groundbreaking or not, they were awesome enough to the point where they’re still talked about to this day, whereas the remake just shoves them in with no context or just wants to showcase someone’s Facebook vacation photos. The ending scene was epic with Utah and Bodhi duking it out, Utah handcuffing Bodhi and then letting him go since he was gonna die surfing that big wave anyway and they reached an understanding with each other, with the remake just having Utah lecturing  Bodhi like a parent does with their kid and then just letting him go surf and die, no fight at all. Seriously, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

Shitty Point Break remake pic 2

The POINT is, the original POINT BREAK was simple and to the POINT. It did not need to be more complicated or have some stupid pseudo-philosophy in it about preaching how the world is messed up and needs to be fixed. You know what’s messed up and needs to be fixed? The idea of remaking ANYTHING anymore. There can be good remakes, I’ll admit that. But there are also remakes of movies nowadays that make everyone wonder, especially in this remake’s case, “what’s the point?” This movie just further illustrates that notion, not to mention that the idea of remaking movies from the 90s is already stupid enough, considering that some of the people who did this movie were also behind the Total Recall 2012 remake, which was shit.

Don’t see this movie, and if you do, just be prepared to hit your BREAKING POINT. If anyone involved with this remake, or anyone in the movie or entertainment business thinks remaking movies, especially movies from the 90s or even the 2000s, is a good idea, just stop. Give up and stop. No one wants them, no one likes the idea of them, just stop, pack up your shit, think about what you did, and go home until you figure out what’s actually good entertainment. YOU are the ones that are REALLY out of ideas and prove how unoriginal some filmmakers can be. There are probably worse movies out there, but I think this one sums it up for this year at least. Yeah, this movie is just as bad, if not worse, than Fantastic Four 2015. At least that one was only an hour and forty minutes long rather than TWO HOURS like this one was, though they both left me with the feeling of leaving the theater soon as it ended. Like other remakes, people will go back to the original, look at this remake, and wonder to themselves “what was the POINT of that?” (sorry I can’t help myself).

Patrick Swayze angry

Yes, Mr. Swayze, sadly they were sure about that.

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